Confused

So now that I began my story, I think it’s only appropriate that I give you a background into my life. I am a 19 year old male from England and I am confused.

I don’t what to label myself. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? I don’t know! You see I have liked girls in that past- the most recent was a close friend of mine who I only got over last year. Although, I do like guys and find them more physically attractive than girls. But it has taken me almost 19 years of my life to admit this to myself, let alone anyone else.

The first time that I had admitted this to any of my friends was at the after party for the Sixth Form Ball (July 2016). I told my friend Haley in the bathroom of our friend’s flat and I had only decided to tell her because this was the last time I’d see the majority of the people in my year group because we were all going off to university and because she was bisexual herself so I thought she’d be the person most likely to understand what I’m going through and possibly be able to offer some advice. She helped a lot actually and I’m so glad that I told her because it meant that i no longer was alone.

Since then, I have only managed to tell four other friends from home and the people at uni know too. My friends from home are telling me how brave I am to be able to finally say this to them and that they are so proud of me. I am in no way brave. I still find it hard to form the words in my mouth. The majority of times that I came out to my friends I was behind a screen, quite like I am know, telling them because I can’t hear myself talk about it. Even when my friends ask me about it I still cringe and feel awkward even though they know everything. Why am I still scared? Does this mean that I’m ashamed of who I am?

As for my family,  I feel that there is no point in me telling them until I’m in a solid relationship. If I find it difficult to talk about this stuff to my friends, who know me better than the majority of my family (especially my parents), then its going to be impossible for me to say it to them! I think my family have always known that I probably didn’t like girls/only like them since I was young because in the past my dad has made a point of telling me that he doesn’t mind gay people, he just doesn’t like it when he has gay PDA forced in front of his face which is understandable because I don’t like seeing it of any type… And I’ve heard them say that they don’t understand how families can disown other family member for being gay and how they they should love and support them and want them to be happy. Knowing this makes me more comfortable as I know that they will still love me but I am just not ready to tell them.

 

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