Jonathan

Have you ever just listened to a song and it ruins your whole day because it’s hit you in your soul and pulled on an emotion or on thoughts that you have suppressed because you don’t have the mental strength to deal with yet but because it feels as if the singer is physically talking to you and writing about your personal experiences so you play this song on repeat? For me this song is ‘Not In That Way’ by Sam Smith.

I have practically been in love with this guy I went to school with since the first year of Sixth Form (Sept 2014) and I am now currently in my first year of uni. I am finally living life as me. I no longer have to filter the way I talk or the way I behave in front of the people I live with/see everyday- I am free.

However, the worst part about liking the same sex is that you are never sure whether they are gay or not. This is what makes my life so stressful. For instance, The guy I like, Jonathan, I don’t even know if he likes me back and I think this is what is holding me back from liking people at uni. We have developed a really good friendship, I mean we used to always talk at school and text each other regularly and these texts were sometimes flirty and he’d tell me gossip if I asked him (which he didn’t do with anyone else). But what if he’s not gay? I don’t want to let go of a friendship that makes me happy by telling him that I like him because he doesn’t see my in the same way. My biggest fear is being embarrassed and I don’t want to be embarrassed by telling him this. So what am I supposed to do? I can’t be expected to just sit here and wait around in hopes of him saying that he’s liked me all this time and that he wants to be with me because I could be waiting for eternity. Every time that I even think about it makes me want to cry. I want to cry because I’m frustrated that can’t just go up to him and ask him if there’s a future for us or should I just forget about this and move on. I want to cry because the’s probably straight and doesn’t even see me as anything more than a friend and someone who’s easy to annoy (which I have foolishly interpreted as flirting). UUUUUURGH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM SOMETIMES!

Recently we haven’t been talking. He didn’t text me happy birthday even though people said it on our group chat so, because I’m petty as fuck, I don’t even bother texting it to him on his birthday- he probably didn’t even release that I didn’t text him back but in my mind we are equal. I miss how I used to talk to him basically everyday both personally and on the group chat. Now that we aren’t talking at the moment could be my opportunity to tell him that I’ve liked him but I just can’t. Even typing about the possibility is making me hyperventilate and feel nauseous. My friend is going through a similar situation of whether to tell a friend that they like them and I’m telling her to go for it but here I am- the coward typing away my pain the in early hours of the morning.

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