The Existential Crisis (No.1)

Recently I have been feeling very anxious about my life and I have no idea why but I spent a good 24hours on the brink of tears. This is entitled ‘(No.1)’ because it’s probably not going to be the last one you guys hear of…

So basically I have recently just been questioning what I want to do with my life. I’m currently a Fashion Promotion and Imaging student in my first year of uni and I’m thinking: ‘Do I really want to be in the fashion industry?!’ This is REALLY stressing me out because it took so much of me getting my grades where I want them to be in my A2 results and the pressure of my parents and dealing with doubts within the family if I should go into the fashion industry because I don’t seem that into it and them constantly trying to catch me out. I don’t know if I’m exhausted or if I’ve just had enough. As I have stated in my previous posts, I have a huge fear of being embarrassed and being a failure. In some of my units I have not got the best grades and it has really got me down because I want to be the best in my modules and I want to be able to get a good internship/job when I leave uni and kick-start my career. I literally also just thought that I was giving up on my first and main passion, which is music. I love to sing and I love to dance (and I act a little too) and I have since I was little. Ever since I was younger I have dreamed of being a popstar and this has never really left me. It’s always been an ‘it’s going to happen’ in the back of my mind.

On top of this, I have been really angry at my weight. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a problem with my weight- I’ve always been the fat one and been self-conscious when in public and taking photographs. I’m so inside my own head about it that for about three years I had when the same grey hoodie every time I left the house because I needed a jacket to cover my moobs. I mean I still am really self-conscious about this because I still have to wear a jacket everyday. I cant tell you how many times I’ve googled liposuction for men or how to make yourself throw up, on holidays I don’t go swimming if its not in a private pool even though I love the feeling of being free in the water. Countless times have I stood in front of the mirror in my bedroom in my underwear and just cried and hated the things I saw- the stretch marks, the man boobs, the huge stomach. I think that this factor of my crisis was emphasised at this time because my friend asked me to model for her photoshoot and told me that I would have to be bare shouldered in the shoot to give a nude illusion. THIS FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT! I was so self-conscious that I ended up buying cling film to hold down my moobs so they wouldn’t look so prominent in the non-nude images. The shoot, however, turned out well because she had brought something to cover me so I would be less stressed and we did this part of the shoot before anyone else turned up and I’m so thankful of her for this!!!!!!

As for whether I wanted to remain in the fashion industry, I realised that I just needed a break from fashion for a little bit because I was too immersed in it. I realised this when I was watching a short documentary my course leader had sent us to watch about Azzedine Alaia, the couturier, and I found myself falling in love with the garments he had created. I’m so pleased! However, I still think that I should pursue my passion for singing, as it’s what I always do!

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